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Jennifer’s Photo Stories (22)曾錚的圖片故事(22)

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A New Beginning at 30 三十歲的新生命

 

Since I decided to take a photo of myself at each birthday when I was 16, for 15 years, I had been sticking to this “tradition” very strictly and faithfully. And these two photos were taken at my 30th birthday.

自從16歲那年決定以後每個生日都要照紀念照以後,我一直將此「傳統」堅持得很好,年年不落地照相,這兩張是我30歲的生日照。

Between my 16th and 30th birthday, a lot of important things happened: getting into Peking University, one of the best universities in China; becoming a graduate student of the same university without having to sit the entrance examination due to my extremely outstanding performance in undergraduate years; graduating with a Master of Science Degree; becoming a policy researcher and consultant at the prestigious and highest level government policy research and consultancy body: the Development Research Centre of the State Council of China; getting married and then giving birth to a lovely daughter; encountering medical negligence during childbirth and having my health totally ruined…Actually when I took these two photos, I was still in long-term sickness leave, and had not been able to work or look after my daughter for four years. 

從16歲到30歲之間,我的人生中發生了許多大事:考上北大,又因成績優異被推薦免試上了北大的研究生,拿到理學碩士學位,畢業後進入中國最高級別的政策研究和諮詢機構:國務院發展研究中心,結婚生女,然後又由於分娩時遭遇的醫療事實,健康徹底被毀……事實上,一直到我照這兩張生日照時,我仍然處於休病假狀態中,四年都未能工作,也無力照看女兒。

With so many ups and downs in between, the mood of a 30-year-old me was very different from that when I was 16. But one thing remained the same, and perhaps more intensive; and that was the self-consciousness and self-pity. There is a saying in China that “A 30-year-old man is like a flower; whilst a 30-year-old woman is like soya-bean residue.” Soya-bean residue is of course no good anymore for almost anything.

在經歷這麼多事情之後,30歲的我,與16歲的我,心情已大不一樣。但有一樣東西卻未曾改變:那就是自傷自憐,而且現在自憐的理由更加充足。中國人不是都講「男人三十一枝花,女人三十豆腐渣」嗎?女人過了三十,還有什麼想頭?照這組生日照,真是有「最後的哀歌」的意味。

I cannot imagine what would had happened to me after I took my 30th birthday photos if “that thing” had not happened. But one thing would have been very sure, that was, I would have continued to take many birthday photos.

However, because of “that thing”, these two photos became the last “edition” of my birthday photos.

我不敢想像,如果後來沒有「那件事」發生,我的人生將走向何方。但有一件事是可以肯定的,那就是我還會忠實地每年不落地照我的生日照。

然而,由於有了「那件事」,這兩張30歲的生日照成了「絕版」,因爲自那以後,我再也沒有照過生日照了。

And what was exactly “that thing”? 

Well, “that thing” is: I took up Falun Gong between my 30th and 31st birthday.

After reading four Falun Gong books twice within two weeks, I felt like a blind person suddenly given the gift of sight, as if a paper window had been pierced and the endless panorama of nature’s mysteries revealed to me. It’s no exaggeration to say that these four books shook me more than all the other books I had ever read put together. 

From these books I gained a totally new understanding of everything, and most importantly, of the purpose of human life. 

那到底是什麼事能讓我有這麼大的改變呢?

嗯,就是我在31歲的生日來臨之前找到了法輪大法。

在一口氣將四本法輪功書籍閱讀兩遍之後,我感覺就像瞎子開了眼,又覺得似乎是有一層窗戶紙被捅破了,窗外無盡的天機源源不斷的涌進來,讓我的大腦幾乎不能承受……

從此後,我對世界的看法全然改觀。而其中最重要的是,我明白了生命的真諦和來世做人的目的。

I also knew that what I believed to be impossible and inevitable before could actually be controlled and changed. Sickness, aging, bad luck, fate, human stupidity and even death itself,… were no longer that formidable, and were actually changeable and conquerable.  

With new realization of so many things, I felt that I had suddenly been completely set free spiritually, with all the worries and self-pity completely gone. What were left in my heart were ever-lasting lightness, happiness, gratitude, confidence, levelheadedness and firm faith in “Truthfulness-Compassion-Tolerance”. 

同時我也知道了,以前以爲不可戰勝的、不可改變的一些事情,比如病症、衰老、厄運、命運、愚昧,甚至死亡……都不再是那麼可怕,甚至是可以戰勝和改變的。

在瞭解到這麼多「天機」之後,內心真是獲得了大自在、大解脫。那個自傷自憐的我再也不見了,取而代之是內心恆恆久久的輕鬆、自在、愉悅、安詳、踏實、幸福、感恩、清醒、自信和堅定。

In other words, with a new understanding that what happened to my physical body did not really represent what happened to my true being, I no longer felt that my age of this physical body was that important. It even became meaningless in a sense, as it didn’t represent the age of my true being. 

在精神世界獲得那樣大的提升和飛躍之後,這個「臭皮囊」上發生的什麼事一下子變得那麼的無足輕重,我自然而然也就中斷了已經堅持十五年的拍生日照的「傳統」。所以這兩張,就這樣成了「絕版」。

Therefore, from then on, I have stopped my 15-year-long “tradition” of taking birthday photos. So, these two are the last ones that you’ll see. 

This also brings an end to my “Jennifer’s Photo Stories” series. For what happened after my 31st birthday, please either read my memoir “Witnessing History:One woman''''''''''''''''s fight for freedom and Falun Gong”, or watch the award-winning documentary “Free China: the courage to believe” at:

https://www.facebook.com/jenniferzeng97/posts/965320766901896:0

不過,生日照雖然「絕了版」,但更多、更精彩,也更加驚心動魄的故事卻從此開始。欲知後事如何,敬請閱讀我的自傳《靜水流深》,或觀看國際獲獎影片《自由中國:有勇氣相信》,鏈接爲:

https://www.facebook.com/jenniferzeng97/posts/965320766901896:0

 
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