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Jennifer’s Photo Stories (20)曾錚的圖片故事(20)

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Two Faces of Mine 兩張表情迥異的臉

 

These two photos were taken by a professional photographer hired to our school to shoot portrait photos for the so-called “三好學生”, which can be literally translated as “Three Good Student”, meaning students who excel at academics, sports, and moral integrity. And the photos were to be displayed and “worshiped”  by all the students for an entire year, until next year, when a new batch of “Three Good Students” were selected and honored. For a high school student, that was the highest form of honor.

這兩張照片是我讀高中時,由學校花錢請來的照相館的專業攝影師照的,只有被評上「三好學生」的才有此「殊榮」。一年一度的所謂「德、智、體」全面發展的「三好學生」的評選是學校的大事。評上的學生被照相,照片被放大展覽,供學生們膜拜一整年,直到第二年再評出新一批的「三好學生」。

Initially I had been too serious; and the photographer asked me to smile or laugh. When I did laugh, he said I laughed too much. So in the end, they chose the serious-looking one to display. Many years later, I heard that a certain student would always have his lunch underneath the display board to admire the photos, but mainly to admire mine. 

給我照的時候,我一直繃著個臉,攝影師讓我笑,我好容易笑了,他又說笑過了。最後還是選了那張不笑的掛出去展覽。很多年以後,我聽說有個同學每天中午端著飯碗蹲在那些照片下去吃,主要就是爲了認真向這些三好學生學習(你信嗎?其實是看照片而已。)。

For a 15 year old me, to earn the “Three Good Student” title had somehow become THE most important thing in my life, as the whole system made it so. To excel at academics had never been a big deal, as I always scored very high in all sorts of exams. To excel at sports was a little bit harder, as I was not a born physically strong person. On the contrary, I had always been very weak with poor health.  In order to become a “Three Good Student”, I really worked myself very, very hard. But I did succeed after a lot of hard working and physical exercises.

對當時只有15歲的我來,在社會大環境和輿論的驅使下,爭當「三好學生」成了我學生生涯的頭等大事。「學習好」不是難事,因爲我一直能考第一,體育好有點難,國爲我生來體弱多病。爲了能當「三好學生」,我咬牙拼命鍛鍊,最後體育課總成績居然比人家考體校的人都高。名利心真是了不得!

And lastly, to excel at moral integrity actually meant to be obedient to the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), to the teachers; and to score high in politics exams by answering all the questions with “correct” answers. For example, you must say that it is the CCP that has led the Chinese people to the victory of “the War of Resistance Against Japan” even if it is not true. And after the crackdown of Falun Gong, you must answer that Falun Gong is an evil cult even if it is not; so far and so forth. 

那麼「德育」怎麼衡量呢?當然就是聽黨的話,聽老師的話,熱愛社會主義,政治考試按標準答案答題。共產黨說太陽從西邊出來,你也說太陽從西邊出來;共產黨說它領導中國人民取得了抗日戰爭的勝利,你也說就是它領導了勝利……到鎮壓法輪功之後呢?共產黨說法輪功是X教,你也跟著這樣答,那就能拿高分。

Now looking back at that time, I can clearly see how I dropped into the trap the CCP had set for me and other innocent children. They had set up a system, a set of standards not only for us to follow, but also for us to “willingly” adapt ourselves to, in order to excel in the society. In the end, we lose our personalities; we become part of the party machine; and we think and behave collectively and exactly in a way that the party designed for us.

所以,現在回頭看看那些日子,我能清楚地看到自己和其他孩子們是怎樣一步步掉入黨所設的陷阱的。共產黨設立了一套系統,一套「標準答案」讓我們去自覺自願調整自己來追隨——如果你想在社會上出人頭地的話。到最後,我們失去了個性,失去了人性,成爲了黨的機器的一部分,用黨給的標準來思考和行事。

And the “Three Good Student” selection has been part of the whole thing. I guess that was why I looked so unhappy in many of my high-school photos. Even if I didn’t know what I know now, there had been a part of me trying very hard to escape and avoid the pollution and manipulation. But there had also been a part of me that tried very hard to please, to get along with, and to “fit in” the society. And that was also the reason why we end up seeing these two photos of mine with such different expressions. 

那這個所謂「三好學生」的選拔呢?當然就是這一整套系統的一部分。我想,這就是爲什麼我高中時期的許多照片看起來都不開心的原因吧。雖然那時並不像現在這樣可以清醒地思考和認識到共產黨的邪惡,但生命中總有一部分在本能地拼命抵抗、逃避違反天性的一切。但與此同時,表面上掉入人的這一部分,也在熱切地想取悅於黨、適應這個社會,甚至還想要出人頭地。

從這個意義上來說,這兩張表情迥異的臉,就是被人性被撕裂的外在體現吧!

 

 

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